Move Over Sanity, Hormones are Taking over...

I explained to James yesterday how it feels to be hormonal. It is so much like driving a car. I am the driver supposed to be in control of my vehicle. When I lose it, really lose it, it’s like someone has cut the break lines, I am flying out of control, and James is standing in my path, eyes wide open like pie plates, about to be run over by me. When I see his face (his ‘I’m about to fall victim to metaphorical vehicular manslaughter face) I only feel less in control and more guilty (which then only feeds the hormonally induced mechanical failure in my brain).

Yay!


Now, metaphor complete, we move onto Pregnancy.

Every week I read a little article explaining my pregnancy so far (baby’s development along with the normal things I may be experiencing). I often laugh at the way everything is posted in an oh-so-happy, optimistic way. I swear this stuff is written by a man. Here is www.babycenter.com’s article, along with my internal dialogue. Perhaps someone can relate.

BC:If you're like most women, you're feeling a bit more energetic now and your nausea may be starting to wane.
Me: The only thing that is “waning” is my love life, as I am so without energy, the only way I will have sex is if I just get to lie there with my eyes closed. Mind you this may not be ‘11th week of pregnancy symptoms’ this may be more of ‘having a two year old micromanage my day symptoms’’.

BC: Unfortunately, you may also be suffering from constipation (caused by hormonal changes, which can slow digestion) and heartburn (hormones again, relaxing the valve between your stomach and esophagus). Just remember, all this discomfort is for a good cause.
Me: Unfortunately I am suffering from emotional constipation (caused by hormonal changes, which can slow brain function) and extreme moodiness (hormones again, relaxing the valve between my mouth and my off switch). I just need to remind James, all his anxiety around me is for a good cause, (and all his fault for not wanting to wear condoms).

BC: Don't worry if nausea has made it impossible for you to eat a wide variety of healthy foods or if you haven't put on much weight yet (most women gain just 2 to 5 pounds during the first trimester). Your appetite will likely return soon, and you'll start to gain about a pound a week.
Me: I am not worried about nausea making it impossible to eat. If anything I am grateful for the biological muzzle that keeps me from stuffing my face with carbs to deal with my ‘feelings’. I am convincing myself that most women gain 20 – 50 pounds in the first trimester and that I am right on target!

BC: Learn which of your symptoms are normal and which are a sign that something might be wrong. You're probably also wondering things like, Can I keep going to dance class? Could the air bags in my car hurt my baby? Which cold medications are safe to take now?
Me: I have convinced James that my symptoms are normal, and that my randomly waking him up to tell him he is bothering me is not a sign that something is wrong (with me). I also wondering things like “Why can’t I use vodka as a herbal remedy?” (I miss it greatly). If I set off the airbags in my car, could I use them as pillows and take a fucking nap already!? Which anti-psychotic medications are safe to take now?