Good Morning Placenta, Would You Like A Coffee? One Lump or Two?

Warning – this story is somewhat disjointed but will come together by the end of the post. I promise.

So today I received a call to discuss the results of my ultrasound taken when I realized I had started bleeding. It was from the midwife that I had during my pregnancy with Lolo. She was the caregiver that arranged an ultrasound to see what was happening with my current (now lost) pregnancy.

Now here is some background story to explain why my twisted mind found this call funny.

Midwife (no that’s not her name– I can’t believe I am even pointing that out for that matter, but for privacy sake let’s call her that) is a very meek person. She was very nice and as a person I truly do like her. As a midwife, Midwife is a little too weak to be helpful sometimes. During my delivery with Lolo things got complicated and she passed the care to an OBGYN. Now OBGYN (no that’s not her name – and if you haven’t got the drift by now, you’ll need a bigger sail) was what one might call an ‘alpha female’. Midwife’s duty after passing care is to stay on as in the capacity of Doula. * please read my definition below

Having a meek midwife/doula with an alpha OBGYN whose single goal in life was to gut me like a fish and slice me in ways no one should be sliced was not what I would describe as an ‘optimal delivery dynamic’. No one should have to know what the term “bum-gina” means… yep I said it… Bum-gina!
My point is that I am fully aware of the fact that Midwife is quiet, shy, and in her best moments awkward.

So back to the story, today I receive a call from her to discuss the findings of my ultrasound. She was unaware that I was very aware the pregnancy was no longer viable- I had been already told by the tech. Not to mention it’s never a good sign when you wake up in the morning ready to have a coffee, with a placenta not where it should be, theoretically speaking.

SPW’s Medical School 101 - Placentas should be worn on the inside.

Midwife began the conversation. “So you could say the ultrasound results are somewhat less than what we had hoped.”

Immediately I am thinking, is there some kind of sliding scale here? Between what we had hoped what you just don’t want to see at all is “somewhat less than we had hoped”? This is about as silly as being “somewhat dead”. **

I knew she was struggling with how to ‘break the news’. The nasty in me figured now would be the time to get my revenge for her having let OBGYN turn me into the owner of a lovely new bum-gina two years ago. I offered no help or questions as she tried to find the right words.

Midwife continues “Things are not great.” She waits to see if I psychically deduce meaning from this jibber-jab.

Midwife continues “The baby is not good” more waiting.

Let’s pause.

Okay you may be thinking I am an asshole and yes, sometimes I am but here is how I see it. I’m not Dan fucking Brown nor am I on some kind of game show! Stop beating around the bush! The worst part of taking a band-aid off is the moment before where there is some delusional hope that by psyching yourself up for the removal it won’t hurt this time. IT NEVER WORKS. JUST RIP IT OFF.

Midwife continues assuming that I have figured out her word code for miscarriage. Luckily I didn’t need to because I had been told. “There is hope” she says.
Also very lucky that I am not someone who missed her gibberish and is now take “there is hope” to mean the baby is okay.

“I have the name of another doctor who may be able to help you next time. Also, as far as the bleeding goes, things may be a little ‘blobbuley’ and thats normal. I am sorry for you loss.”

Pause again...

Blobbuley. A medical term pronounced Blob- You -Lee. Seriously? Thanks for the sound medical advice. Heaven forbid we say serious sounding things like ‘clot’ or ‘tissue’. Don’t you know all tragic loss can be softened by making bad words sound stupid??

We end the conversation shortly after. I have to admit the dark-humour lover in me found this hilarious. In her attempt to make the phone call as painless for me as possible it ended up that it was far more painful for her. Poor Midwife. I will send you a nice card and all will be right in the world again.


*a labour coach who is representative of the mother’s needs and becomes the mothers sane voice while the mother’s voice is busy creating new profanity and screaming things like … never mind, if you’ve been there you’ve been there and if you haven’t, well we don’t want to ruin the surprise!
** I’ll make an exception here, somewhat dead can occur after somewhat drunk, where you are not quite sure if you are somewhat dead or just wish you were dead.