Taking Off My Immasculating Bitch Goggles and Taking Back My Sex Life

So today, as I mentioned earlier, I did something for me. James is away flying. Lolo is off and Grandmas house.
1. I Got Butt Naked
2. I put on some great music, the kind James could skip listening to and that reminds me of the good old days when I used to lie completely naked with Braddock and smoke a joint after we simply couldn’t have sex any longer.
3. I put on more makeup than I ever normally wear. The way I would wear it if I could be a stripper for just one night.
4. I put on my unnecessarily high, crimson red stilettos.
5. I danced. I just danced in all the ways I would dance if I were as sexy as I was pretending to be. Danced as if I were an exotic dancer.
6. I showered and turned off my music. I got dressed. Dressed in the way I always do – like a mother, a good and faithful - fantasy – free - housewife.
7. I put on my makeup, in a pretty, conservative ‘not to much and not to little’ way.
8. I called James and told him to take me out tonight to celebrate my accomplishing something.
He wanted to know where to take me. I told him to surprise me. As weird as it may be, letting him have this chance to take charge is a very big deal. I am not going to control the situation. I am not going to give him anything to go on. This will be all on him to decide.
There is something I deeply regret about the relationship that has formed between James and I. I do not, nor have I for several years, looked at him the way I did Braddock. Part of the reason Braddock was so alluring was that he was in my mind so unobtainable. I had him on a pedestal. He knew it because I looked up to him constantly. For a long time now I have kept a wall between James and I – never letting him feel just too good about himself because I have always figured that when you let down your guard it’s when you will get hurt. I want to change all of this. I want to look at James the way I used to when I met him. I have perhaps never let go of my Braddock because we never became anything. He was this enigma-man and will remain that forever because he never failed me in anything. He and I were over before he ever had a chance to.
Tonight I have decided I need to find a way to repair it. I need to have back my big take charge man; a man I haven’t let James be in over 3 years. For so long I have not even seen him. I don’t see his big shoulders, his broad chest, his massive tree trunk legs. I don’t see his hands, his dark eyes or his 5 o’clock shadow. I don’t notice the way his pants sit over the space between his legs, and I almost never hear his deep, throaty voice -all the things that made me insane in the beginning. I need to start to see those things again. I’m determined.