10 Things I Do That Would Make You Think I Had a Death Wish and A Need For Adult Diapers

1. I pee so often that I try to hold it as long as possible. This usually results in me dashing up the stairs in a manner that suggests I not only want to break my neck but I want to pee my pants while doing it.
2. I wear underwear that is so frumpy-old-lady-scary that if I ever ended up in the proverbial ‘ambulance attendant has to cut off my pants to save my life’ situation I would die. How you ask? The attendant along with driver would likely want to crash said ambulance to save themselves the costs of PTSD therapy bills.
3. I clean the shower while in the shower. Who said I needed THAT many brain cells… I hear I only use like 5% of them anyways…
4. My solution to just about everything is inevitably vodka. With exception to number 5.
5. I like to water ski, I like to snow ski, (somewhat dangerous activities) but I when out of vodka I to whiskey. This is my back up solution to my number 5 soloution.
6. Despite shitty shitty night vision, I have a knack for finding, with my foot, in the dark, the only toy with the wheels which somehow never gets put away.
7. Despite shitty shitty shitty night vision, I always try to navigate in the dark rather than put the fucking lights on when I get up to pee at 3am.
8. Fuck it if it’s been 7 days in the fridge. I am eating that nasty, fuzzy, green thing, because I had to pay for it!
9. I think in a past life I may have invented the concept of bread being nothing but a “BTD” (butter transportation device)- and my arteries and ass thank me for it.
10. I have at least ten more things alone that involve dangerous activity while concentrating on not peeing my pants. It all comes with being a mommy-pilot's-wife (having a bladder the size of a kumquat and multi tasking like a motherfucker.)


Feels good to be back and get that out!