Even Our Phone Sex Is No Sex At All

James and I haven’t made love consistently in a while. Not that I have been particularly happy with the frequency (or lack there of) in which we ‘get physical’ as O.N.J would put it. Ever since the first six months ended, the fire did too. I have numerous times tried to improve upon the situation.

I have lost a total of 50 pounds, though he claims the problem has nothing to do with weight and in fact does not see a problem at all.
I have tried to be the initiator, I have tried to play hard to get.
I have outright ignored him and have also thrown myself all over him. I have done it all. Nothing brings back the sexually ravenous man I met.
I have told him what I need, and made numerous suggestions, or some of the same suggestions over and over. Never has he acted on any of them.

One suggestion I made: “Call me from the hotel room and we can have a sexy chat – like we used to when we didn’t get to see each other as often as we wanted, but were feeling in the mood”
He seemed to think it was a reasonable idea. But not once, in three years, has he called for that reason.
So today I called him out of the blue thinking perhaps I would extend an olive branch. I would initiate. I called, and by the time he said hello, I felt like an idiot. I babbled my way through a fake explanation for my phone call, and hung up. Whether he knows me enough to suspect at all why I may have been calling, who knows. I don’t think it matters. I realized after he answered that he has never bothered to call and do this. Why the hell should I now?

I am resentful of the fact that I was clear in the beginning of the relationship that sex – and lots of it – was extremely important to me. I had already been in a relationship where libidos did not match and hated every minute of it. I eventually became distant and disinterested.

I am once again distant and disinterested. I have no desire to fantasize about my husband and I have no desire to have sex with him at all. Not because I don’t want to have sex. I do. I can’t begin to describe how badly I want to have wild passionate sex.

He is so unaware of how much the situation bothers me and I do get it. He hasn’t been in my shoes and cannot understand why sex is so important to me when he is prepared to do so many things other men hate. He is verbally capable of expressing his emotions and love for me. He is happy to do dishes, give foot rubs, read me to sleep, watch chick flicks, and whatever else he thinks will make my life easier.

But it always comes back to sex for me.

I am beginning to realize I am not remotely attracted to my husband; my tall, dark, almost perfect looking husband.

I can’t deal with the rejection I feel even when HE initiates. Even when he tells me he finds me sexy or wants to have sex, I feel so uncomfortable because I question everything. “Why this time?” “Why now?” “Is he just trying to spare us another fight?” and on and on it goes.

I can barely stand it and wonder if it will lead to our demise one day.
I feel hopeless.
I want to have sex. I want to feel like the sexy woman I once did – but around him I can’t and don’t.
What the fuck am I to do?